"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door"
-- from "The New Colossus" by Emma Lazarus (on pedestal of The Statue of Liberty)

I love the intensive care unit. I like taking care of the sickest of the sick. I like working through the pathology, trying to understand the physiology, and utilizing everything science has to offer to give these incredibly sick patients one more shot.

By the time a patient gets into the MICU, they are on death's door. They might be infected, be bleeding, unable to breath, and have trouble maintaining a normal blood pressure -- the sickest might have all of these. We hoist them onto their ICU beds, we remove their clothes, we attach numerous monitors. If they are agitated, we sedate them. We stick them in theirs arms, their legs, their necks, and their chest. We place tubes down their throats, up their rectum, and in their urethra. We give them drugs that have horrible side effects. If their hearts stop beating, we pound on their chest, shock their heart, and give them more drugs. And yet, I love the intensive care unit.

Most of these patients don't live very long. Despite everything we do to try to help, they frequently end up passing away. The mortality rate in our intensive care unit can approach 50%. And yet, despite the torture we put these patients through and despite the sobering final results, I love the intensive care unit.

Why? Why would I love working a place where I fail so much. Why would I want to put anyone through the things I have described above?

I can sum it up best with a quote from the Shawshank Redemption:

"Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." -- Andy Dufresne

When patients come to the ICU, they and their family often don't know what they are in for. They might know they are sick but they might not realize just how remote the chance of recovery is. However, they hope. They hope they can overcome whatever it is that afflicts them. Some might call this false hope or even denial. They say that when patients get this sick, physicians should push for advancement of code status -- basically, try to get the family and the patient to withdraw aggressive treatment and accept that they will not overcome the illness. These people argue that treating patients this sick is futile and a waste of medical resources. They maintain that physicians are the experts in all things medical and thus are qualified to tell a patient and a family when further treatment is futile.

While families might not be medical experts, they are the experts when it comes to what the patient would want, what the patient values, and what the patient is fighting for. Maybe, the patient would be willing to go through anything in order to have that extra day at home with his family. Maybe he just wants one more chance and is willing to endure the torture. People have various motives and values and there is nothing I learned in medical school that would make me an expert on what people want. Instead, I tell the patient and the family in explicit detail what doing everything entails. If they want everything done then I do so.

I try not to think about the torture I am putting these patients through. I remember each of my failures. However, I try to focus on those few that do make it -- despite the long odds. The 70 year old with multiple medical problems that had to stay on the ventilator for over 30 days before we managed to get him off. The 40 year old whose heart stopped beating (PEA code) but who was resuscitated and went home with his family 6 days later.

If we succeed and the patient beats whatever illness is afflicting him, so much the better. If we fail, at least we gave him one last chance -- at a terrible cost, but a cost he and his family were knowledgeable of and willing to accept.

I hope my patients get better. I hope I am doing what they would want me to do.

MICU

I am currently rotating through the medical intensive care unit (MICU). My day starts off at 7 am with a morning conference on a topic related to patient care in the intensive care unit. Usually we talk about ventilator management, various treatment strategies in sepsis, or the finer points about hemodynamic management. Yesterday, instead of our usual morning lecture, we had a physician interested in narrative medicine come talk to us about the importance of writing down our thoughts about what we see everyday. Near the end, we were asked to take a few minutes to write about our worst clinical experience. Here is what I wrote:

My worst clinical experience was during my first month of internship and it was in the MICU. There was a patient with lung cancer who had undergone radiation therapy and presented to the hospital coughing up blood (hemoptysis). He underwent a bronchoscopy which did not show any active bleeding. Later that same night -- around 7pm -- one of the nurses came running out of the patient's room yelling "I need a doctor!"

When we ran into the room we saw the patient sitting up on the side of his bed -- leaning on one of the side tables -- with a massive amount of blood pouring out of his mouth. I always think of hemoptysis as coughing up blood, but this was more like a fire hose pouring blood out of his mouth. There was blood all over the floor. While some of us were trying to move the patient so that his left side was down, others were throwing isolation gowns onto the people in the room to protect us from the blood that was spewing everywhere. We could see pallor move down the patient's face. The patient was dead within two to three minutes.

The patient's wife was eating dinner with him when this started. We barely had time to move her outside the room before everything was over. Watching her try to comprehend what had just happened to her loved one was heartbreaking. As I watched his wife cry inconsolably, I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. He had come to the hospital over 24 hours ago. We had done tests and yet the problem had eluded us. Finally, he was in an ICU in one of the biggest medical centers in the country with several nurses and doctors literally sitting outside his room, and we were still too slow to save him.

This is the worst thing I have ever seen and this was the only time I have ever questioned my desire to enter the field of medicine. The feeling of helplessness and the quickness with which it all happened made this a horrible experience.

I would like to think that by working hard in medical school and during training, I would have the knowledge and the ability to at least try to save a patient's life. Even if I was not successful, I could offer the patient a chance. However, all I could do was watch him die.